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OH THE DRAMA...
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jeudi, février 06, 2003
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ok, before i forget, my phone's name is MURGEL so if you ever see my away message and it says call MURGEL, that's what it means. (andrea and i named it one day...don't ask.)
so i went to the full orchestra concert tonight. you know, it might be totally selfish of me...and incredibly rude of me to think (much less say or type) but i gotta get it out. it's SOO depressing that i'm not in full orchestra. i mean, i KNOW katie's better than i am. she's awesome and, don't get me wrong, i LOVE her to death, but...goodness. i'm a senior. I DON'T HAVE NEXT YEAR! she's going to be in it the next two years pretty much no matter what (unless she quits band) so could i NOT have done it my sr year? i mean, COME ON!!!! i want to support them in all their hard work, but it's a bit hard to be there listening to them WISHING that i could be up there participating in all of it. i would have given ANYTHING to be doing orch. i guess that doesn't really matter though, cuz i'm just not good enough. i'm SOOO jealous of katie right now...i'm such a jealous person...oh my goodness...i'm HORRIBLE!!! : (
on the way home andrea and i had a really depressing conversation. on top of the whole full orchestra depession thing guys are just...well...just that, depressing. goodness. i guess it's my fault for not really knowing what i want, but sometimes i wish they could see into my heart and see JUST how what they say affects me. i mean...UGH!!
you know, it's really REALLY a bad thing when i get a hug from chris and instead of making me feel the slightest bit better it makes be feel that much worse. (for those of you who don't know, chris is like my BESTEST guy friend in the whole world who gives THE BEST hugs in the whole world...at least in my opinion...and they always make me feel better.) he came over tonight (well...was here when i got home from dropping andrea off) and i got outta moby and saw him walking over to me and i just started to tear up. (oh...he came to get something my mom had for him, by the way...if any of you care.) i don't know what it is right now that's making me so....__________ (i dont know what's supposed to go there, but i'm sure you can fill it in yourselves). i think the weather is playing with my emotions. it's really hard to be happy and everything when the weather makes me want to stay in my PJs all day and sit in front of a tv with sappy "chick flix" and a big tub of ice cream and just cry my eyes out all day.
someone explain to me why i have to make things soo difficult for everyone...including myself. why can't my life be like a fairy tale. you know, i'd be a "cinderella" if at the end of the day (or story, whatever) i could have a happy ending. right now i just want an ending, though. ANY ending...including the stand incident. EVEN THAT WOULD WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW... (by the way, thanks andrea for letting everyone know how insane i am...j/k i don't care!) UGH...*tears, tears, tears*
9:35 PM
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