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OH THE DRAMA...
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mardi, novembre 09, 2004
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erin's talking to her mom right now about a show that her mom was watching and the show reminded her mom of when her brother left for the war. erin telling me that reminded me of when richard left for bootcamp. i'm not EVEN going to try to convince anyone that it's the same thing, but i didn't have a blog back then so you don't know anything about it. and that's probably a good thing, but now that it's on my mind, i really need to talk about it...listen if you want to, don't if you don't.
ok, so richard left for the marines the summer after his senior year and before my junior year. while i was REALLY ready for him to leave (because he was jumping on my every last nerve) i knew that once he was gone, that may be it for a long time. he was REALLY nervous the night before sgt. jones came to pick him up to bring him to the airport (we didn't even get to do that) so richard and i took that night to have some really deep, meaningful, brother/sister time with conversations that we'd been meaning to have for a LONG time. anyway, around 2 am (he was leaving at 4) i remember sending him to bed because i knew he needed some sleep and as soon as he left my room, i cried for about an hour. i don't know why, but i cried...and cried...and cried. 4:00 rolled around and richard walked into my room to say his last goodbyes but i was so...almost hurt that he was leaving me and ashamed that i was crying that i pretended not to hear him and pretended to be asleep. while i COULDN'T wait for him to leave, the next morning when i woke up and realized he was REALLY gone...and i wouldn't get to talk to him for 13 weeks, i thought i was going to die. i don't remember much more from that day, but i know that i cried a LOT the first few weeks he was gone. i wanted...i NEEDED to talk to him and i couldn't. i wrote to him all the time but didn't send many of the letters. i missed him too much to let him know how i really felt...i didn't want him to know how much it hurt not to have him around. when he finally did get the chance to call, i picked up the phone and couldn't even say "hello." mom told him i was on the phone so he started talking to me but i was crying too hard to get anything out. i missed my brother...i missed him more than i've ever really missed anyone. for once in my life, i couldn't just talk to him. getting used to him not being around was one thing, but not being able to call him when i needed some "richard advice" or when i had a bad day and would have talked to him about it was really really difficult.
i know i take things for granted a lot. i know that i'm really lucky to have everything that i have. i know that growing up with four brothers, though sometimes is a real pain--when it comes to guys--i don't know where i'd be without any or all of them. i have the best family i could ever have asked for and i know i take that for granted, but i know how blessed i am...even when i don't admit it. so, to all six of you, thank you for always being there, for always beleiving in me, for always supporting me in whatever i decided to do. i wouldn't be the person i am today without your love and support behind me 100% of the way. thank you!
2:41 PM
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