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OH THE DRAMA...
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mercredi, novembre 03, 2004
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things i've realized today (these aren't necessarily good things...):
1. i don't really love chris. ok, guys...hear me out on this one. it's not that i don't want to love him. it's not that at all. but how can i love someone else...and expect him to love me in return when i can't stand myself. now...think about the commandment "love your neighbor as yourself." if i love "my neighbor" the way i love myself i'll never have any friends. that doesn't in any way, shape or form mean that i do not INTEND to love chris one day...i just don't think i can honestly say i do right now. at least not this week...
2. i REALLY hate myself. this section could be really long if i let it, but since i'm even too grumpy right now to write all my negative traits, just...understand that i really really hate myself...and that includes just about EVERYTHING about me.
3. this time of the month SUCKS! by that comment, i don't mean "oh, i hate being on my period" *blah blah blah* like that. NO! i mean, it really sucks. chris put it pretty nicely tonight on the phone. he said, "miree. there's something different about you. you're not the same miree that was here this weekend." and, he's 110% right. i'm not. sunday i wasn't PMSing; today i am. while i understand that PMSing isn't an excuse for being cruel, rude, inconsiderate, harsh, speaking without thinking, etc., it's going on right now and until i can find a way to control it, it will have to continue.
4. my language gets really bad around now. yeah. NO KIDDING! i say bad words all the time when i'm PMSing. i hate it. a lot. it just seems like i say things without really thinking about what i'm saying, how i'm saying it, and how it's going to make the receiver of my words feel. while i think chris is probably one of the only ones who really receives this "crap," i know i distance myself from people here when i get like this. maybe it's because i know chris will take it (and occassionally tell me that i'm being grumpy and that i need to chill) and maybe it's because i don't want people here to hate me. if chris hates me it's not that big of a deal. we've got enough history to find someway to make it through me being grouchy...plus he's a guy. guy's deal with that better than girls do...they'll throw it back...and i'll get defensive and...NOT GOOD!
5. i don't know what to do with myself when i can't bake to relief stress. chris can vouche for this one...or can at least pretend to. i did a PRETTY decent job in high school of "masking" my emotion (just not to him). if i wasn't having a good day, you better believe i'd go home and bake. if something just DIDN'T go right at practice, at school, with friends, with boyfriends, whatever, i'd go home and spend some quality time with the kitchen utensils. no joke. and then i'd give the stuff away (whether it was to my family or i'd bring it to school the next day for my section...whatever) because that would make me feel better. can i do that here?! NO! NOT REALLY!!! so, instead of getting to relief my stress, it all builds up and comes out THIS time of the month. not good. not good. i hate it. i hate my life.
6. i eat too much. i've noticed that when i'm hungry, i eat. should i eat? PROBABLY NOT! but i do.
don't you worry...there are other things but i don't feel like getting into them right now. anyway...that's about it. i'm finished now.
1:07 AM
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